Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
