The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
