I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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