I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
