The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
