I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I love having hate sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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