I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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