dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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