At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
