My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
