My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
