just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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