I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
