The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
