In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
