im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
