Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
