'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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