Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
