eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
