I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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