Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
