Even water is tasting like jack daniels
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
