i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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