My cat gives me a boner
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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