when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
