She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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