it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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