he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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