If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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