im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
