It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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