More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
