I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
