You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
