after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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