Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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