How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
