soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
