I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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