I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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