uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
