Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He shit in the fireplace
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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