Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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