Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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