I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
