Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
