you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
