we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
