sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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