So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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