It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
