i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
