Whod you bang
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one