And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.