Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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