I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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