Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
